Free-Lance Pallbearers by Ishmael Reed

Author:Ishmael Reed [Reed, Ishmael]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, Literary
ISBN: 9781564782250
Google: w77vekT5fI8C
Amazon: 1564782255
Goodreads: 216854
Publisher: Dalkey Archive Press
Published: 1966-12-31T12:00:00+00:00

TRAPPED IN HOWARD JOHNSON’S FOB THE THIRTY-FIFTH DAY BY ANGRY HOUSEWIVES IN MOTORIZED GOLF CARTS: CHINAMENS REFUSE TO YIELD. VATICAN SEALED OFF AS BINGO CRISIS ENTERS FIFTH WEEK. POPE ASKS COMPROMISE. CHINESE CHECKERS ANYONE?

On each side of the steps leading into the courtroom was a statue of a white seal balancing a bright ball by the tip of its nose. Inside in the ceiling of the main hall was a dome of murals depicting episodes from the life of Rutherford Birchard Hayes. RBH pulling the pigtails of the first Chinese officials to be received in the White House; RBH commenting on the size of their buck teeth to two of his cronies who hold the little diplomat’s jaws apart for a better look; Rutherford Birchard Hayes making a mad dash to get rid of the poker cards and the bottle of Old Hickory as the First Lady, affectionately known as “Lemonade Lucy,” pokes her coalscuttle hat of green silk into the Cabinet room to announce that lemonade and Kool-Aid are being served; Rutherford Birchard Hayes kicked in the head by a horse on October 21, 1864, but intrepidly opening the Wichita pickle fair the next day; Rutherford Birchard Hayes giving colorful and quaint measles blankets to some Indians who proudly pose with their headdresses thrown back and their noses in the air like snooty camels while the President winks at his poker partners who—in on the prank—stand off to the side of the reception slapping their thighs and covering their grinning mouths. In the center of the dome was a giant mural of Rutherford Birchard Hayes surrounded by his eight children: Birchard Austin Hayes, James Webb Cook Hayes, Rutherford Platt Hayes, Joseph Thompson Hayes, George Crook Hayes, Fanny Hayes, Scott Russell Hayes and Manning Force Hayes. They stand with their mouths open as Daddy holds a big round and firm cucumber between his raunchy lips at the Wichita pickle fair, October 22, 1864.

Inside the court, the clerk called for the case which was to precede mine. The participants were roughly shoved through the door. They were surrounded by an unusually heavy detachment of Screws. Masks had been drawn over their heads and their wrists were bound with rope. The Screws positioned the pair before Judge Whimplewopper. Whimplewopper stood on three telephone books behind the bench. He was a natural-born midget afflicted with an unusually long nose. In fact the nose was so long that it became the subject of a series of features in the National Inquirer.

It was very difficult for Whimplewopper to conduct a normal courtroom because many of the nose’s fans would line up in the corridors of the courtroom to take pictures and ask its opinion on the length of Jackie Kennedy’s riding boots. Sight-seeing buses would follow his limousine to his home in East Hampton where he entertained Mile. Matzabald’s associates and bargain-basement hippies. While he conducted the business of the courtroom, his nose rested upon a purple satin pillow Matzabald had made for him. This only added to his difficulties.

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